Attachment Styles

You have probably heard of attachment styles. Have you ever wondered which one is yours and how it impacts your relationships? Understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into how we connect with others, navigate intimacy, and handle conflict. Attachment theory was originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. Their research showed how our early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional bonds in adulthood.

When you think about a small child, they are fully reliant on their parents for survival. Children will adapt to their environment in order to make it. So, if you have a chaotic or emotionally distant parent, the child will attune themselves to the chaos to ensure that their parent still cares for them. Alternatively, if you have a calm, nurturing parent, the child will likely feel safe not only with their caregiver but also internalize that the world is safe place and that relationships are trustworthy and good.

There are four different attachment styles, let’s dive into each, what they are, and how they impact relationships.

Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style have caregivers who met their emotional needs and created a safe, stable environment. Securely attached children are also modeled how to regulate emotions. They were shown that loved ones are consistent and reliable beings. In adulthood, securely attached people tend to be comfortable with intimacy, are able to express their feelings openly, and are trusting and dependable.

Impact on Relationships

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more balanced relationships. They communicate effectively, manage conflicts constructively, and are generally able to maintain emotional closeness without losing their sense of self. Their confidence in love allows them to support their partners and establish a foundation of trust.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment develops in an environment that is less consistent and children often feel responsible for their caregiver’s emotional state. An anxious attachment can present itself as being- highly sensitive to partner’s cues and may regularly ask “what is wrong” or “are you okay?” These individuals expect inconsistency and feel responsible to make things stable. Someone with an anxious attachment often worries about abandonment or rejection and they seek constant reassurance.

Impact on Relationships

People with an anxious attachment style may find themselves overly preoccupied with their relationships. They often crave closeness but may push their partners away due to their intense need for validation. This can lead to cycles of clinginess and withdrawal, which can create tension and misunderstandings in relationships. Therapy can often help them develop healthier coping strategies.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment develops from two different types of caregivers. The first type is hyper-attuned to their child (think “helicopter parent”) and the second type is instead distant and aloof. For a child raised with a hyper-attuned parent, they may develop and avoidant attachment in reaction to having too much dependency put on that at such a young age. Small children should not be the regulating factor of their parent’s emotions and this can have an adverse reaction on their development. As for the second type, the distant parent, the child may internalize that their emotional needs are not worthy of being brought to a loved one and that they are burdensome. This child will often become self-reliant and not turn toward others for connection and intimacy. Characteristics of avoidant attachment are independence, often distant from emotional closeness, and may struggle to express feelings.

Impact on Relationships

Those with an avoidant attachment style may find it challenging to engage in emotionally intimate relationships. They often keep partners at arm’s length, fearing that closeness will lead to vulnerability or loss of autonomy. This can result in a lack of emotional support and connection, causing frustration for both partners. Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards fostering more fulfilling relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment

Disorganized Attachment develops from a chaotic, and oftentimes abusive, upbringing. These children learn that their caregivers are not safe and can cause them harm, however they also know that they need their caregivers for survival. The push-pull from desire to fear can be extremely dysregulating and have long-term negative effects for healthy bonds. Adults with disorganized attachment may show conflicted feelings about intimacy, be anxious and avoidant, and be hurtful to others who try to get close with them.

Impact on Relationships

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may desire closeness but simultaneously fear it. They can feel overwhelmed by their emotions and may have difficulty trusting others. This can lead to erratic behavior in relationships, where they oscillate between seeking connection and withdrawing. Therapy can often help address past traumas and develop healthier patterns.