The Gottman method has shown to be one of the most effective forms of couples therapy. Our previous blog gave an overview of how the Gottman Method works, the tenants of the sound relationship house, and how it can help your relationship. In this blog, I would like to get a bit more granular and focus specifically on communication patterns. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman identified patterns in relationships and discovered four forms of communication that are predictors of relationship breakdowns. They called these communication patterns the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” If left unchecked, they can lead to the end of a relationship or increase feelings of disconnection and discontent. Fortunately, the Gottmans also identified the “antidotes” to help revise the Four Horsemen. Let’s dive into each.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothered you. It goes beyond a complaint and usually includes phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…” For example, instead of saying, “I feel upset when you leave your things around the house,” criticism would sound like, “You’re so messy, you never help out around here.”
Criticism damages a relationship because it makes the partner feel personally attacked, leading to defensiveness and emotional distance.
Antidote for Criticism. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated when…” instead of “You always…” This turns the focus away from your partner’s character and instead focuses on your own emotions. Turning the focus toward yourself can often lead to less defensives and encourages your partner to help find creative solutions that makes you both feel better.
Contempt. Contempt is the most damaging of the the four horsemen of the apocalypse and often takes the form of sarcasm, name-calling, mocking, or disrespectful body language (like rolling your eyes). It conveys a sense of superiority over the other person and can be deeply hurtful. For example, saying things like, “You’re such an idiot” or rolling your eyes in response to something your partner says are forms of contempt.
Contempt erodes the foundation of mutual respect and creates a hostile atmosphere in the relationship. It’s brooding resentment that picks away at your foundation. It has been shown to predict the dissolution of relationships more than any other negative behavior.
Antidote for Contempt. Focus on building a culture of appreciation and respect. Try to genuinely admire and appreciate your partner, and express gratitude for the positive qualities you see in them. This requires a positive override mindset, instead of a negative one. You may need to practice giving your partner more benefit of the doubt. So, when they do something that bothers you, try to turn toward a more positive explanation, such as, “They must have had a long day,” “they are tired”, or “I wonder if something is on their mind.” Our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors, and having a positive thought will more likely resolve your negative feelings and lead to more gracious behavior in the relationship. This takes practice if it is new to you.
Defensiveness. Defensiveness occurs when one partner reacts to a perceived attack by defending themselves rather than listening to their partner’s concerns. It often involves counter-attacks or justifying one’s actions. For example, when your partner says, “You never help with the dishes,” you might respond with, “Well, I had a long day at work, and you never do anything around here.” Defensiveness prevents resolution and shuts down open communication, as the focus shifts from understanding the issue to protecting one’s own ego. Defensiveness is common but can lead to long-term erosion of the relationship as it prevents productive communication.
Antidote for Defensiveness. Rather than defending yourself, take responsibility for your part in the situation and listen to your partner’s feelings. Acknowledge their experience and show empathy. Ask open questions to get your partner to open up. Practice repeating back what they said so that they know they were heard and understood. Oftentimes, this will soften your partner and then they may be more open to hearing your side of things without ever having had to get defensive.
Stonewalling. Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation, either emotionally or physically, to avoid conflict. Instead of engaging with the partner’s concerns, they might shut down, stop responding, or become silent. It often comes from feeling overwhelmed or flooded by emotions. For example, a person might shut down entirely when faced with their partner’s complaints, giving one-word answers or walking away from the conversation. Stonewalling can look different in men and women, and a trained Gottman Therapist can help point it out as it happens in your relationship to bring attention to it.
Stonewalling can make the other partner feel ignored and isolated, and it hinders productive problem-solving.
Antidote for Stonewalling. Stonewalling often occurs in tandem with a physiological response, such as increased heart rate and higher cortisol. You are unlikely to have a productive conversation during this time. Practice recognizing when you feel overwhelmed by an emotion and ask to take a break. But it is crucial that you return to the conversation after your reset, otherwise this can lead to feelings of abandonment in your partner and will not resolve the initial conflict. Practice saying, “I need to take a short break from this but I will be back in 30 minutes so that we can continue this conversation.” While you take your break, focus on relaxation and self-soothing – do not spend that time ruminating or getting yourself more worked up.
Conclusion
It is very common for couples to have moments of poor communication. Even if you are prone to one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse it does not mean that your relationship is doomed. However, it is important to be mindful of these patterns and recognize how they may negatively serve you in the long-term. Addressing these communication styles and replacing them with productive ways to resolve conflict or express your feelings can significantly improve relationships. Oftentimes, people do not even recognize the role they are playing in the relationship breakdown until they start to create a new dynamic. Couples therapy can be a wonderful tool for this. Good relationships are worth the work to create a bond that is strong, meaningful, and that will last. The four horsemen of the apocalypse have their antidotes and its time to start practicing them.
If you are interested in strengthening your relationship, reach out today and schedule a time with a licensed therapist.
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