Healing from Infidelity

Posted on by Melissa Harlow
Categories: Uncategorized

Infidelity can take many forms—emotional affairs, physical betrayals, or even online relationships. Regardless of the nature of the betrayal, the impact is profound. Feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and confusion are normal. For many, they experience grief after a relationship betrayal – it is mourning the loss of the relationship that “once was” and even questioning if it ever truly existed. It can feel like a death, putting to rest something that you loved so much. These feelings are complex and nuanced because, unlike a death, the other person is still alive and well. A living, breathing being that was a core piece of your life. Following infidelity, some people seek couples therapy, which can serve as a bridge to rebuild the connection. But for others, they may not want to restore the relationship, are feeling too hurt, or are not yet sure what they want. In these cases, individual therapy is a safe haven where healing from infidelity can begin. This is the case for both the betrayed partner and for the one who strayed.

Individual therapy provides an opportunity to process the complex feelings of cheating without the pressure of needing to resolve them in front of a partner. Let’s discuss a few ways that individual healing can take place for both parties.

Healing from Infidelity: For the one who was cheated on

  1. Processing Emotions: After discovering infidelity, it’s natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions. Anger, sadness, grief, and loss are common. Some may feel contradictory emotions, such as relief, neutrality, or even acceptance. But regardless of what the thoughts and feelings are, many people are confused and not sure how to move forward. They seek to understand not only their partner’s motives but their own role in the relationship. A therapist can be a safe place to explore these complexities. We encourage connection of all kinds. Friends, family and loved ones will provide vital support but they are not always the neutral soundboard that you need. In therapy, you can express feelings you might not to your best friend, such as I miss him or I hate her, or I still want to be with them. An individual therapist can help you navigate these feelings, allowing you to express yourself in a constructive way that moves your emotions fully through your brain and body.
  2. Rebuilding Self-Esteem: Cheating often leads to self-doubt and diminished self-worth. Even for the most confident person, betrayal can rock your inner foundation to its core. I have worked with many people post-cheating who feel as if it was all their fault and that they were not good enough. It brings people back to a child-like state of rejection and just wanting to belong. A therapist can assist in rebuilding your self-esteem by helping you understand your value independent of the relationship. This comes from a deep exploration of your core sense of self, your beliefs, values, and the ways that you bring joy into this world.
  3. Establishing Boundaries: Individual therapy can help you clarify what you need from your partner moving forward, whether that’s rebuilding trust or deciding to part ways. Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional health and learning how to maintain those boundaries is even more important. It is often easy for people to set forth their expectations but remember that no one else can enforce them aside from you. Therapy is a great place to practice maintaining your boundaries and establishing consequences for those who try to break them.
  4. Exploring Attachment Styles: Understanding your attachment style and past relationship patterns can provide insights into how choose and connect with a partner. This is often introspective work that examines your childhood, your parents, and how early developmental patterns impact adult relationships. Check out our blog on Attachment Styles to learn more.
  5. Develop self-care routines outside of the relationship: While individual therapy can help unpack all the complexities of your relationship and the infidelity, it is also a place to develop healthy life patterns and behaviors. This will create a strong personal foundation outside of your relationship. You will explore social connections with friends and family, healthy exercise and movement, increased interests and hobbies, and outlets for creativity. All of this will enhance your sense of self-worth, joy in day-to-day activities, and overall life fulfillment.

Healing from Infidelity: For the Partner Who Cheated

As said from esteemed clinical psychologist Esther Perel, “It’s not that they want to leave the person they are with, it’s that they want to leave the person that they themselves become.” Individual therapy for the person who cheated may help in various ways.

  1. Understanding Motivations: Engaging in therapy can help you explore the reasons behind your actions. Were there unmet needs? Patterns of behavior? A deep wound from childhood that plays out in adult relationships? In couples therapy, the person who cheated may not initially feel comfortable exploring their inner world and motivations, afraid it may cause more hurt to their loved one. That’s why individual therapy may be a better place to start. It can give the person a chance to attune to themselves first before answering to anyone else. Once you are able to show up in a place of honesty within yourself, then you will be able to do so with your loved ones.
  2. Processing Guilt and Shame: Similar to the hurt party, the person who was unfaithful will likely experience intense emotions. Guilt, shame, sadness and anger are common. The unfaithful party may have also developed a love for the person that they were cheating with. These emotions need a safe place to be expressed and processed through. Grief is also commonly experienced as there has been a loss in many ways.
  3. Developing Empathy: Therapy can help you better understand your partner’s feelings and the impact of your actions, fostering a greater sense of empathy and responsibility. I have found that most people who step out of their relationship do hold a fair number of emotions toward their partner and often feel a deep sadness about what has occurred. However, not all people have learned how to harness and communicate these emotions effectively. Therapy can be a great tool to build these skills.
  4. Healthy Communication: Instead of resorting to avoidance or unhealthy habits, individual therapy can equip you with tools to cope with and to communicate your emotions constructively. What was holding you back from expressing your needs before? Was there a fear in asking for certain things? Do you know how you feel most days? These are important questions that you can begin to tap into and understand while healing from infidelity.
  5. Develop self-care routines outside of the relationship: Same as for the hurt party, it is important for the individual who cheated to engage in self-care. You may not have been nurturing your own needs in a healthy way and instead were resorting to other outlets. Building healthy routines will not only help you but will enhance your relationships.

Move Toward Healing from Infidelity

Individual therapy is not just about addressing the pain of infidelity; it’s also about fostering personal growth. Whether you choose to stay together or go your separate ways, therapy can help you emerge stronger and more self-aware. Many people find that the process of therapy leads to profound insights and therapy after infidelity can lead to:

  • Building a strong support system
  • Rebuilt confidence and self-esteem
  • Improved communication skills
  • Feeling more connected in relationships
  • Increased self-care
  • Increased hope and optimism for the future

Infidelity is undoubtedly painful and people need space to process it. Therapy offers a unique opportunity to explore feelings, learn from the experience, and emerge stronger. Whether you’re seeking to rebuild your relationship or to focus on your individual healing, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

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In additional to healing from infidelity, we offer induvial counseling for depression, anxiety, grief, and trauma for both adults and teens.