As a therapist, some of my favorite work has been premarital counseling. Couples counseling is too often seen as the last stop for people in conflict or who are undergoing a serious relationship crisis. This misperception leaves out all the couples who seek counseling to benefit their already strong relationship. After completing premarital counseling, I have seen so many couples reflect on how much better their relationship is, how they are more intimate, and how much more connected they feel overall. If you are considering premarital counseling or are looking to strengthen your already committed relationship, here are some topics that I like to explore in sessions.
Premarital Counseling: Topics
Money. Have you talked to your partner about their finances? Do they know your credit score? How much is in your bank account? Do you save for retirement? There are SO MANY questions that can be asked about money and finances. And yet, so many couples avoid these questions. Many people fear judgement. They do not want to admit how much they spend on coffee or how little they have saved. But at the end of the day, the topic of money in relationships is not about judgement, it’s actually a far deeper conversation about values.
We invest our time and our resources (including money) on the things we value. Opening up to your partner about where your money goes gives them a window into who you are. The $60/month spent on lattes is not a sign or frivolity, it might be a key experience of your day where you get out of the house, speak with your favorite neighborhood barista, and decompress with a warm beverage. You value routine, connection, and comfort.
Some of the questions asked about money will be more functional. For instance, “will we share a bank account once married?” But again, functionality aside, these questions open up a deeper dialogue. Some people prefer privacy, autonomy, and individualism, which may lead to a desire for separate bank accounts. Is this a family value instilled from childhood? What would it mean to you to do something different? These questions might peak a bit of stress at the forefront but I promise you that the richness of these conversations is invaluable.
Children. Have you talked about having kids with your partner? Do you both want children, or not? Have you agreed on how many? Have you discussed what you will do in the case of infertility? Do you know how you want to parent? Have you discussed the possibility of postpartum depression? These questions can be tough but they are crucial. The decision to have children or not can be a deal breaker for a relationship. Having honest conversations about where your head and heart are will truly set your relationship up for success. If you hide your true desires or your true fears, they will sneak up on you later.
End of life care. Death is a scary topic for most people but I truly encourage you to discuss it with your partner. I suggest talking about it in two ways. First, is regarding your parents end of life care. If you are both lucky enough to have your parents alive and well, this may seem like an unnecessary conversation. But the time will come when decisions need to be made regarding medical treatment and where the parent will live as they get older. It’s best to understand your partner’s views on this topic before it comes, that way you have a steady ground when unexpected or hard life transitions occur. The second thing to discuss is your own end of life care. Again, hopefully everyone is happy and healthy in the relationship. But discussing death can open up a deeper insight into yourself and your partner. This can lead to questions regarding afterlife, grief, spirituality, religion, and how you like to be cared for. I know it can be scary but I promise you that these conversations can be beautiful.
Wants vs. Needs. In premarital counseling, I will spend several in-depth sessions having clients truly identify their wants versus needs. You can have a laundry list of wants – they are just your desires, but they are not must haves. Your needs should be a small list. In essence, they are the deal breakers for how you live your life. If you’re trying to decide if something is a “want” versus a “need”, ask yourself: Can I live without this? Couples are often surprised even by their own answers.
Conclusion
So, money, children, death, and wants vs. needs are some of the big topics that I encourage all couples to explore. This list is by no means exhaustive and every couple will have topics bespoke to them. But at the end of the day, what I hope to drive home is the importance of the meaningful conversations that we sometimes avoid. Once explored, a new layer of intimacy in even the strongest of relationships can be unlocked.
If you would like to learn more premarital counseling, contact us today and schedule a free consultation.
