Infidelity can break a relationship – and where you land once the fallout has settled is up to you. I have worked with many couples who have experienced cheating. Many come to me unsure if they want to preserve the relationship but are nonetheless willing to explore the possibility. If you are in this position, there are four things that I want you to know right off the bat:
You are not alone. Many relationships go through some degree of cheating. What goes on behind closed doors is often unseen, so you may be looking around wondering, “Why me?” But trust me, yours is not the only relationship that has experienced this break and, more importantly, there is nothing wrong with you.
Cheating can happen even in “good relationships.” The idea that infidelity only takes place when there has been fighting, conflict, disdain, or lack of sex and intimacy is false. This notion can often lead the hurt party to feel even more confused and dumbfounded at the revelation. But even if the relationship was good, discovering that your partner was unfaithful can open the door to explore if there are parts of your relationship that has been kept quiet and needs to be let out of the box.
You can move forward from cheating. I have worked with many couples who come out on the other side of infidelity with a stronger understanding of one another – an understanding that is deep, nuanced and complex. They are able to reconnect and to build a new foundation.
But also, just because you can move forward from cheating does not mean you have to. Like I said, where you land once the dust settles is completely up to you. Whether you choose to move forward together or separately is a personal decision and Couples Therapy can often help.
So, let’s say you decide to give couple’s therapy a shot after discovering infidelity in your relationship, there are a few key phases that you and your partner will go through. The first phase is the capacity to hear the harm that was inflicted. The person who committed the relationship norm violation must allow emotional space for their partner to express anger, sadness, and whatever else without defense. Along with the capacity to hear harm, the person who committed the violation may also need to subscribe to expectations that their partner has for trust to be rebuilt. This might include phone checks, password shares, not going out with certain coworker, etc. (these are examples, and every relationship will be different). Following these expectations is a choice but declining the expectations will likely negate rebuilding trust.
The capacity to hear harm and allowing for new expectations will start to rebuild trust and emotional safety. Once that foundation has been put in place, a deeper examination of the relationship as a whole can begin. At this time, the person who committed the relationship norm violation may reveal their inner motivations that led to the violation. They should express any part of themselves that they felt hidden or unsafe to reveal previously. As a couple, you should also explore aspects of the relationship outside of the infidelity that you wish to strengthen. This might include conflict resolution, quality time together, or sexual intimacy and emotional expression.
The last step can then begin: future forecasting. If you choose to stay together you may notice that you begin to plan what that will look like. This part can be fun, instilled with hope and the magic of creative daydreaming about your combined future. You may have found a deeper understanding of one another and feel even more connected, albeit with a pain point in your history that you now share.
All said, healing is not linear. You might find yourself future forecasting and then all of a sudden backslide into a fit of anger and mistrust. When this arises, you should feel safe to express these emotions with your partner and for them to be received with care. Also know that you may experience moments of happiness even when you feel like you shouldn’t. I have witnessed many couples sharing a laugh or an embrace days after the infidelity was discovered, which can feel confusing or “wrong,” but I assure you that it is normal as relationships are complex. You do not have to go through these complexities alone and asking for help can be a safe haven. Contact Coastal Collective Counseling today and discover if our licensed therapists can help you and your relationship. You are not alone.
